Many birthdays have come and gone and just few days ago, I celebrated another one. The waters of life have not succeeded in wiping ashore the stones I kept as I trod those paths. I’m going to share 9 stones with you…nuggets I have learnt in my years as a single lady.
1. I am whole
The first time I had any serious relationship was when I was 19. It was not a ‘date me I leave you’ kind of relationship. We were looking forward to getting married and spending the rest of our lives together at the end of my study. At that time, the idea of marriage was quite fascinating and I had begun to imagine the romance that came with it- the cuddling, play time with kids, adventure, exploration.. Innocently naive abi?
Few months into the relationship, some things began to happen. I would get so possessive of my bae and would become mad whenever I saw him laughing or talking with any lady on campus. At that time too, I was beginning to figure out what to do with my life, and my law degree wasn’t making sense to me anymore…so I had battles raging in my mind.
When we broke up, I moved to another relationship and when that didn’t work, I tried another, and moved in and out of small small flings like that. I was a very confused being…I didn’t believe I could ever be normal outside a relationship or when I didn’t have a man to call ‘my fiance’. But I did. I gave my unhealthy attachments up and gradually I began to understand my life and my purpose…
Finding wholeness became a driving force and It’s been one great secret to my happiness ever since. I have discovered that it is difficult to feel good and enjoy your life as single if you have nothing to look forward to. True understanding of your completeness and wholeness starts from discovering why you are on this earth. I’m positive that when I finally get married, I’ll be bringing a complete ‘ife’ to the union and not a dysfunctional lady with nothing to offer.
2. Anxiety is a waste of time.
When I turned 23, I was desperate to get married. One incident comes quickly to mind. I joined a local assembly set with the mind of getting ‘the will of God.’ A brother became nice amd friendly to me and that really thrilled me. I began to disturb God, to search for scriptures that I could use to back up my feelings for this brother. I got a text from someone who bore the same name as my ‘will’. Chei, I was so happy. My heart soared. This is the sign, I exclaimed. Until I discovered the text had come from someone else from the church… I was clearly devastated.
So I learnt.
Becoming desperate to find a partner is very dangerous. It will, in most cases, lead you to make bad decisions. The worst time to pray about someone you are having feelings for, is when you are anxious. Until you are relaxed, you will keep hearing what you want to hear. Get busy. Relax and enjoy your time. Pour your heart into something you love.
3. I am beautiful.
Take a second and look at the picture up there. What do you see? Nothing? OK, I see a beautiful lady-beautiful in spirit and in body. She is gracious and intelligent. How can ife-grace not exude beauty when Christ lives in her? I have learnt that the way I see myself will influence how others see me.
Someone looked at me and regarded me as ‘a defeat’ because I had had a rough past. I went home depressed, thinking and affirming what has been said about me. Nah, it’s not happening again. There is something about Ife-grace. She is talented. She can write. She has great creative imaginations. She is physically endowned. (Yeah, curves in the right places), she has the capacity to love. When she gets married, her spouse is going to be super proud he didn’t let her go. Yeah, She breathes grace.
4. I have fields to conquer.
I really wish you can take a peep into this big head of mine. It’s filled with so many ideas. Even as a single lady, I have begun to see them come into realisation. I remember sitting on my bed with my laptop in front of me and making plans, revising them, slotting in more strategies. I do not have to wait for a wedding to begin to see my dreams come to reality.
5. Friends are priceless.
I have great friends, I must confess. Friends with the eyes of an eagle. Friends who do not pull me down by making me feel less of a person. Friends who push me to pursue more, to take risks, to leave my comfort zone. I have friends who are married too…and they give me beautiful stories of what goes on in there…the sacrifices, the pleasure, the companionship, the ways they’ve balanced career and family life. There is nothing like having friends with like passion. Friends in whom Christ has the center place.
6. God comes first.
I have to come to a point where I realise that my relationship with God matters more than anything else. I am beginning to understand that when I give Jesus first place in my life, every other area gets settled. I see him taking care of every aspect of my life. Christ is at the center of everything I do.
7. My scars are stories too.
I stumbled on this quote on Pinterest.
‘My scars tell a story. They are a reminder of when life tried to break me, but failed.’
I have learnt never to stay in the past. I have encountered pains, wounds, injuries, disappointments, despair, discouragement, fear but they have only made me stronger and firmer in my convictions.
I have learnt not to allow people determine my happiness.
I have learnt to cease from comparisons and to realise that every man has his race to run.
My stories are in my scars…
8. God still leads.
Some years ago, a man looked at me and said, ‘will God send husband to you from heaven?’ I wish He could…lol… No matter how traditional it may seem, I strongly believe God leads. It doesn’t have to come by a thunderous voice or in a dream, it also does not have to come by trial and error or by merely scrutinizing the faces of handsome gentlemen and ladies.
Relying on God and allowing Him guide us as singles will help us greatly because it is God who knows the present and future state of any man.
This scripture has always brought so much comfort to me.
...I will instruct you in the way you should go, I will guide you with my eyes. Psalm 32:8.
9. Marriage is beautiful.
The mother to a very handsome boy said this;
‘In marriage, we learn, relearn and unlearn.’
I look forward to experiencing the challenges, sacrifices, pleasure(wedding night on my mind *winks*) and beauty in this great institution. But before that time, I want to take charge, waka upandan, grab opportunities and enjoy everything this phase has to offer
…because being a single is cooler than cucumber…
Happy birthday to me.