relationship

WHEN THE PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED BECOMES INTENSE

The other day, my friend and I were discussing generally, and then we diverted into life-partner and marriage talk, and from the discussion I realised that for some of the people who are married, the reason they actually made the move at the time they did, was because of the pressure from the society.

I’m telling you, it is very easy to be pushed into making a decision to walk down the aisle against your will. What exactly do I mean by this?

Let a lady stand up and announce that she doesn’t want to get married but wants to spend her life making impacts around the world devoid of any other responsibilities, you will see how tongues will rise, from village to church to family, because for them It is abominable to speak like that.

You hear some women say, nobody can be fulfilled outside marriage and when you mention Paul’s name, they tell you he has a special call and you wonder what makes him different from other humans.

No matter how much that woman is doing for God, it is all a waste if she can’t point to a man and say, ‘this is my husband.’

So forget it, Society in many instances have  a hand directly or indirectly in that anxiety and desperation to find a partner.

As far as the Nigerian circle is concerned, applause from the society matters more than anything. We are humans with feelings. We are created to be connected in relationships. Isolation is not part of our makeup so it is understandable when we react to the pressure coming from different angles.

The other day, I attended a friend’s wedding. As I got into the church, I wished I had not come. You see all those women who have been in your life from a little after the time you got off diapers, they are the hardest to deal with.

That was how one pulled me to one side of the church and began to talk in low tones.  I stood there staring blankly like a child whose mother was giving an admonition on her first day into the secondary school. The kind of talk where a mother says, ‘Don’t talk to boys o, if you allow them touch you, you’ll get pregnant fiam!

I would hear mum say,

‘What’s happening now? People are talking o.’

As the pressure comes from her friends, she transfers the pressure on me.

There was a time my number was given to a deliverance prayer warrior. I’m talking about the binding and loosing prayer warrior. It was then I knew this one na serious wahala. I was expecting him to give me a time when I would come to his prayer room so he could drive all the demons of delayed marriage but thankfully he just encouraged me to depend on God.

The pressure is everywhere. You are sincerely happy about the stage you are in while patiently waiting for God’s leading, but the push here and there almost drives you insane. Most of these people have good intentions for us. But they will not be there when the marriage hit the rocks.

If you do not allow God develop thick walls in you,  you will settle for anyone out of fear when you suddenly hear words like, ‘Do you know how old you are?’ or ‘all your mates are married.’ Those words sink so deep and you wonder what is wrong with you. Before you say jack, you are already climbing that mountain and visiting prophets. Your eyes begin to scan sisters as they file out of the church service. A brother says ‘how are you?’ but your brain reads, ‘will you marry me?’

Even for some who have found purpose and are pursuing God, those words sometimes get to them. There is no use denying it. They can laugh and say, ‘Can’t they mind their business?’ but still they are left wondering why they should be pitied for not having a man.

Fear is real. anxiety is real. But waiting on God is worth it.

What do you do when the pressure to get married is so intense? How do you stay unruffled while you wait for God’s direction?

1. Environment matters.

Get friends who are all out and living their purpose. Friends of like minds, friends passionate about their living life fully. Have fun and do things together. Pray together. The right environment will keep your mind focused.

2. Turn your focus to the Word.

As the pressure gets intense, get intense with the Word too.

3. Keep away from undue closeness to the opposite sex.

The period when the pressure was at the peak, I became close to a particular brother…and because I was pushed from external sources, my actions seemed desperate. I didn’t like the fact that a friendship that was supposed to blossom just went sour. At the time pressure comes from different angles,  it is not wise to hang out with a man you already sense isn’t in God’s plan for your life. You will find yourself pushing yourself into a web that will bring you trouble.

4. Open your mouth and talk.

Let them know you don’t appreciate being pressurized. In a polite way, help them understand how their words are affecting you negatively.

5. Stay away from the places that’ll drive you into desperation.

You may not like this idea, but I’ll say it all the same. If every time you go home you get depressed because your folks keep making you feel insecure, reduce the time you spend at home. Let them see you less often. You can’t just sit at home all week and month and expect not them not to talk. Get a life. Let them see that you are busy with your life. If you can move to your own apartment, do so. But ensure you maintain regular communications with them.

6. Put all your strength into your purpose.

When pressure come from all sides, let your purpose give you joy and happiness. Continue to do what God has called you to do, while you wait for him to lead you to the right person.

The truth remains that,

Marriage is a big deal. It’s not something you want to jump blindly into. If you are in a relationship and you are already seeing signs of disaster,  remember that after that wedding, your ship will leave the shore and whatever you encounter on your journey lies in your hands.

One scripture rightly describes the attitude every christian single should have in the face of societal pressure:

…Thou will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusts in thee. Isaiah 26:3.

Related: A letter to the Christian Single Girl.

35 thoughts on “WHEN THE PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED BECOMES INTENSE”

  1. Ore mi, your head is very correct. Few days ago, I received a call that got to me. “Who is on board”, was the next thing I heard. Actually what it meant was ” When are you coming home with a man?” .

    But I choose to be still and know that He is God. If He can give Jesus for me, what is a husband He won’t give me freely? When it’s time, rice choppers go belle full. Until then, there’s purpose burning in the core of my heart.

    God bless you, Dearie.

    1. Faith, you remind me of this scripture; ‘He that spared not his own son but gave him up for us, how shall not with him freely give us all things?’

      There is nothing as beautiful as staying at the center of God’s plan at every phase of our lives. While he works, we keep pursuing purpose..

      1. You’ve said it all. Your number was given to a prayer warrior abi? My story is different. The Prophet’s number was sent to me. I broke down in tears in the middle of my room. Na so e bi?

        But I’m comforted because God is faithful. He does not come late even when AGE, PARENTS and SOCIETY are screaming, “Go and marry”.

        Happy birthday in advance.

  2. Uhmm!
    For me, it got to point where I stopped attending weddings because I know what awaits me there… And I’ll definitely come back home feeling depressed! But I’m glad things have changed😁.
    Thanks for sharing this timely piece, Ife.

    1. Goodie, I know that feeling jare…especially at the weddings of friends you grew up together with…. All kinds of questions will just be popping up here and there.

  3. I remember how a married friend of mine came to ask people on Facebook what the rush is all about exactly. She is enjoying her marriage o, but she just felt that she needed to ask people to slow down and enjoy their singleness until the time is ripe. There is no need spending all of your singleness preparing for marriage.

    I like the fact that you mentioned that we reduce the time we spend with people who drive us into desperation. If we are to reduce the time we spend with them, we will realize that we spend a lot of time with ourselves and this means that by ourselves, we have to be grateful for the season we are in for now and be okay with being alone else we will be leaving desperation to become desperate in our alone time too.

    It is true that even without the pressure we want to feel loved and cherished too. What I do in those moments is that I turn to God and ask him to pamper me. I just ask him to show me some love and in many different ways he brings a calm over my soul or presents gifts in varying forms to me.

    And the undue closeness to the opposite sex. That elephant in the room! Because we want to feel all loved, we begin to date someone who isn’t dating us. Let’s all calm down. If God has placed in us the desire to be married, we will, someday but what are we going to do until then? Wait all day? Fuss and become anxious? Not accomplish purpose and do exploits? No!

    https://www.estheradeniyi.com

  4. Thank you for further iterating those points…I love the part where you said, ‘there is no need spending all of your singleness preparing for marriage.’ For some singles, that’s all they think about. Their waking up and sleeping thought is how to end up in a man’s house. If singles can only see that there is so much to do and goals to achieve ….and that this phase is a gift that must not be lost. Esther, thanks for sharing.

  5. Thanks for this. I am in my late twenties and it’s hard to find single friends, so basically all except one of my friends are married. The one friend who isnt is getting married soon (lol). I really dont have a problem with them getting married and they are wonderful ladies who remain my good friends. My problem is with the people who feel the need to tell me that all my friends are married and what’s my problem. Someone even asked me to go for deliverance.
    I am soft spoken and think its rude to reply older people (my core yoruba training), so I find it hard responding to these insensitive questions but I think I need to start doing that.

    1. I can relate Subomi…the truth is, we can’t to a very large extent control what others say, but we can ensure it doesn’t push us to make terrible situations…Thanks for sharing..

  6. The soothing peace i feel knowing there are ladies like me who know there’s more to life than just marriage.
    “…it’s for an appointed time, ….though it tarries wait for it, because it will surely come…. ”
    Hab 2:3

    1. Ope, singleness is a gift. Enjoy it while it lasts. Bask in this phase and trust God to fulfil his promises in your life.

      Let this scripture sweeten your soul;
      ..I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will guide you with my eyes…Psalm32:8.

      Happy birthday in advance…Cheers!

  7. I was beginning to think that something was wrong with me cos most of my friends are married and m not. But thank God I came across your post this morning. This is really going to keep me going for a long tym.

    I didn’t really believe in Gods will in marriage before now but m happy that i got closer to God I got to understand that one shouldn’t just jump into marriage no matter the pressure without asking God for direction.
    Thanks again and God bless ur wisdom.

  8. Timely Post!!!!

    God bless you Sis Ife……
    “Lady in waiting” that has being a life changing book for me…

    Being single actually means- EXTRA TIME FOR JESUS

    1. I’m not sure I’ve read ‘Lady in waiting…’ I look forward to grabbing a copy of the book.

      I love your last statement…it’s so true. Even Paul attests to that fact. Thanks sis.

  9. Hi Sis Ife, thanks for this timely pist.. Well for me, the desperation and pressure was just so much this year when all of my friends got and are still getting married..
    I’m sure my mom feels bad each time I told her about each of them. .. I agree with Splendor, at God’s own time it will happen.. GOD said it and I believe it
    It’s my earnest prayer that at this phase of life, we don’t miss God’s purpose for our lives..

    Thanks again for sharing..

    1. Amen sis…a time will come when you’ll look back and be grateful you didn’t rush into marriage. We walk at God’s pace. He makes all things beautiful in his time.

  10. Wow, Sister Ife-Grace..
    I can’t count how many times your posts lifted my spirit. You’ve been a Blessing and you always will be. There are no amounts of human appreciation that can repay you for the great impact you wield.
    My one Sincere Prayer for you Dear sist, is that GOD will Bless you supremely always beyond your comprehension and make all things really Beautiful in HIS Time for you.

    I have become more determined after reading this post than ever before to enjoy my single-hood &pursue HIS Divine purpose for my life with all the zeal &zest I can muster…

    I truly appreciate you Dear Sist.
    Happy Special Birthday to a Rare Gem 💎. Do have a blast &enjoy HIS Presence always, Amen.
    Thank you once again for living up to your name Dear Sist.
    Extravagant Graces Still…

    1. These words encourage my heart really…Thank you so much… I say Amen to your prayers too. Singleness is a gift and we are going to enjoy it while it lasts…God bless you greatly.

  11. I was almost dumbfounded when someone said that the married envies the single, and those who’re single still envy those married. What kind paradox be that?

  12. Thanks so much sister, am really blessed and encourage by this post. Some people in our society even believe that as a single lady, u must not advance too was much in ur profession bcos u don’t have a man. I believe at God’s own time, it will happen bcos he makes everything beautiful at his own time, not at my own time or society time

    1. Sis, fulfil all that God is putting in your heart to do now. Take the skills and advance in your profession… When God finally connects you with that person, he’ll measure up to the level God has allowed you to reach.

  13. Thanks a lot for this piece, Ife. There is no doubt that the pressures have caused more harm than good. Especially when people use the name of God in their argument. This makes us question even our life and purpose. May we continue to change the narrative regarding singleness and marriage. Well done for this piece, looking forward to more

  14. God bless you Ife.
    We’ll never understand the implications of been in a wrong relationship bcos of desperation. You lose yourself, your purpose, vision, direction or even worse.
    Thank God for His mercy and for loving and sensitive parents. I was headed for disaster. Today, I take stock of my past relationship and sadly realise that almost everything was wrong with it, right from the beginning!
    Psalms 32:8 has been a solace to me.
    I can’t help but smile.

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