Dear diary, I really do not know where to begin. Let me just start somewhere.

I started masturbating at the age of 8, didn’t really know what it was called then but all I sensed was that it was bad and not something that could be done in the open. By the time I found out its true name and what it really entailed, I was already neck-deep.

As if that was not enough, I was molested at the age of 13 by a relative. I was mute about it even though this continued to happen. Eventually, I started enjoying it.

I am an introvert. In school, I was very quiet  and always on my own. Seriously, at that time, I was battling with a lot I didn’t understand but I couldn’t speak out.

Over time, I became very timid.  I suffered severe acne issues and this battered my self esteem.

Ohh… I was so broken, mind you I was brought in a Christian home, accustomed to the Bible and in fact I could not at that time process why after giving my life to Christ several times, I still went back to my sins.

Finally, I entered the ‘boyfriends drama’ at 16 and got pregnant at 17. The fear of my parents which I had even before I got pregnant and fear of the secrets being exposed made me abort the pregnancy. At that time, I didn’t know what a D and C was until my boyfriend told me we were to see a nurse after several attempts of taking drugs to evacuate the pregnancy. I was so secretive.  My parents could not understand or fathom all that their precious daughter was into. I was stubborn too and they could not understand why.

I remember that when we got to the nurse’s place for the abortion, it was a man we met. When he brought out his instruments, I was still clueless about what was going to happen until the pain started. Then I went blank.

This process did not stop me from getting pregnant again some months later. This time I was resolved and didn’t need to be pushed to remove it.

I was fed up of life. I needed love, believing in myself was not even in my mind’s book, I was a wounded girl and when I got admission into the university, I jumped from one relationship to another where I was exploited and used . I was affected emotionally, psychologically, financially and in many areas… ohh I felt so empty. I was seeking for love but did not understand I was seeking it in the wrong places.

During this period,  I remember telling God not to give up on me.  After I graduated, I decided I would take a break and focus on my recovery. I gave my life to Christ for real and He started his work in me.

The struggle between lust and righteousness was real and difficult. Gradually, I began to understand and enjoy God’s love and peace.

Thinking I was perfectly whole, I met a man who I thought was a child of God. I cared so much about him and he showed interest in me but unknown to me, he just wanted to take me back to my past and that was how I fell back. It was a more painful experience than the previous one until I took the courage to break free.

I had scars all over and I literally gave up but God was watching the whole time. Yes I know He was.

It’s been a trying and long process but I can say today, Christ found me and lifted me out of my mess. He can do same for anyone no matter how bad things have turned. I believe Jesus can heal. Are you in any mess at the moment? He can turn your story around like he did for me. Do not give up. He has not given up on you yet.

He is still refining me, and I know He is a specialist in remolding people like me and I know also he will definitely finish what he has started in me. Amen.



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Related: The girl in me is begging to be loved. 

About the author

Ife Grace

I am a faith blogger with a passion to contribute my quota to the body of Christ. I am also the author of two books: The Reunion and Spring.



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