SHOULD I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL?

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Dear Ife-Grace,

Should I tell him how I feel?

First of all, I do not have a straightforward answer to this question. It could be a Yes or a No depending on the peculiarity or circumstance surrounding each case. I mean, I have friends who would rather die than open their mouth to express their feelings to a brother. The good thing is that, somehow they found a way to suppress the feeling until it disappeared.

Still, I am aware that there are ladies who have been unable to let go of these feelings and have nurtured emotions flowing from supposed conviction. Some by taking steps towards building friendship with the guy discovered they had been wrong and were grateful for an opportunity to grow in discernment.

I have a friend who was only able to get some peace and rest in her heart after she  shared her feelings of love with the brother. They were very close friends. It didn’t affect their friendship and though they are both married to different people, they are still very close.

We also know that there are brothers who began to misbehave and act immature upon discovery of a lady’s interest in them. Her self-esteem was ruined and it took several months to get over the feeling of rejection.

You see why I can’t give a straight answer to this question. However, I’ll answer it in the best way possible. You can weigh your options for a correct judgment.

How can you handle these kind of feelings? How can you get your mind at rest while thoughts of this brother keeps swimming in your head? Should you go ahead and spill it out to him just to get it off your chest?

Basic Principle:

Get to the root of your emotions

There are different reasons why emotions of love grow in our hearts.

Sometimes, it could be as a result of regular communications that started on a platonic basis. It’s possible that you may just have overstepped your boundary and now you can’t get him out of your mind.

If the attraction was born out of communication or friendship, and there is no rest in your spirit because you can’t really figure if he feels anything for you, even though he keeps calling to share his life secret with you, you can send a message or place a call to him in this manner.

Hello…There is something I want to talk to you about. We are getting too close and It’s bothering me. What are your intentions.  Are we just friends or is there something else to this?’

His answer may likely be in two fold. ‘I’m hoping that this will lead somewhere.’ or ‘there is nothing. I just like being friends with you.’ He could even come out straight to say, ‘I see a future with you.’

If his response is ‘We are just friends.’ Respect yourself and disengage if your emotion is  already reading something deeper. Avoid picking his calls sometimes. Reduce your familiarity with him. Don’t pretend you can handle the situation when your emotions undergo storms everyday.

In a situation where after pouring your heart, you hear a ‘I don’t think you are God’s will for me’ kind of response, it could be devastating to see your hopes dashed.  If you have friends you can do stuff with, go ahead. Pursue your dreams and plans vigorously. Get busy. Stay with meditating on His Word.

Depending on how deeply engaged your emotions have become, it could take from a few weeks to a couple of months to drown those feelings.

Even when he says there is something going on for the two of you and you are still unsure and confused, let him know you need space to think things through.

Read: This thing called conviction.

What about a situation where you just met the person briefly, maybe at a conference or your communication with him has just been for a few days or weeks, and you become greatly attracted to him?

I’ll advise you restrain yourself from spilling anything out. Attractions in that sense in many cases are normal occurrences. When you move away to another environment, or interactions reduce, the butterflies will disappear naturally.

In a christian relationship, should share your feelings..

A brother has looked irritatedly at a sister and said,’How can you say you love me. We’ve only met for a short time. Face your career. God is not saying anything about you.’

The sister almost didn’t recover from that statement.

Even if you must express those feelings in this instance, there is a way to go about it rather than saying, ‘I love you so much.’ or ‘I know without doubt you are my man.’ I’ll advise you don’t even spill out anything that early.

In fact, spending more time with God and with other things may just quench the fire of ‘love’.

Let’s get right to another aspect of this question prominent among conservative Christian ladies.

This guy is not your friend at all. He doesn’t even know you exist and even if he does, he only says,  ‘sister, God bless you’  in church. but in your heart, you have this assurance that God is leading you to him.

You are already nurturing thoughts about him in your heart while this brother is going on with his life, not giving you as little as a glance. What do you do?

I want to be very careful here because I have heard ladies tell stories of how there was nothing like friendship before the guy they are married to proposed and yet they knew long before then that he was the right partner.

They will tell you that if God has shown you that he is the one, then wait, the brother will show up. Your duty is to keep telling God to speak to him.

I do not oppose their line of thoughts, but flowing from a personal experience which I will share shortly, my response will be that you do not make a rigid rule out of it.

Sincerity before God is what matters. What you think you heard may be the voice of your emotions. God’s ways are not ours and it is best to be flexible with him and allow God work the way he desires to bring clarity to your heart.

Let me give a personal example.

Some years ago while I was serving, I met this brother. Throughout the service year, I didn’t have any feelings for him. It could be because I was in a relationship then, but never for once did I remember becoming attracted to him.

I returned home after service and for genotype reasons, the relationship I was in had to end.

One day, while I was praying and seeking God’s face about marriage, I heard a brother’s name whispered to my ears. I didn’t even wait to know why the name had come to my heart or what purpose it was for. I grabbed it and ran with it.

For the next few months, he was all I thought about. I was waiting and praying. First. Second. Third. Fourth month, nothing. I could easily have gotten his number but I chose not to give him a call.

I wanted to go the traditional way. Wait till he makes a move.

One day he called me. He said he was scrolling through his contact list and saw my name and then thought to call me.

What do you think would have crossed my mind at that time?

‘Thank you Holy Spirit. It has finally happened.’

It never occurred to me that the call was God’s way of helping my heart gain clarity.

We began to chat on WhatsApp and our friendship grew and so did my feelings for him..I kept my hope alive until one evening,  I spilled the gist using a story.

You know how Ife-Grace and stories roll. I started. ‘There was a sister, who liked this brother..’ lol..

But that brother was too smart. He got the gist. We talked about it in the most mature way possible. He was in a relationship that was headed for marriage. It took me some time to get over that experience because I had nurtured the thoughts in a very personal way.

So first of all, keep building your relationship with God as you seek clarity. Resist thoughts that bring you and this brother on the altar and when you become overwhelmed, talk to God again. Sometimes, you would have to pray again and again to keep your emotions calm. Oh yes, feelings can be strong like that.

If you have a leading to connect with the person, be friends with them. Get to know what’s going on. Certain information may just help sort out those feelings. If it requires you opening up, do that with wisdom..

‘Will you marry me.’ is just the worst way to express how you feel. There are milder way to  go about this.

Sometimes, it may bring an end to the friendship,  but I think it’s fine. If it’ll help put a grip on your emotions.

I know a sister who for seven months held on to something she thought she heard until somehow, God brought them together and through the friendship she began to understand that it was the idea of the person that caught her attention. The friendship had to end when communication with this brother kept affecting her spiritual progress.

When you need to get those  feelings off your chest and you sense that brother may not be able to handle it or you can’t just bring yourself to expressing it in the mildest possible way, then an alternative is to find a friend you can share with. Make sure at the end of the day you are at peace with your emotions and your heart.

Whatever the case, let God be involved. He knows how best you can handle every situation.

Finally, if you have expressed your emotions to a brother and he is giving you attitude and now makes you feel rejected or you feel terrible because you ran ahead of God and messed what may have been a great relationship, God’s love for you is immeasurable.

He is more concerned about your future than you can imagine. Trust him to sort things out for you.

What do you think? Should a Christian lady tell a brother how she feels about him?

Related: Does God’s will exist?

Never feed your mind on assumptions.

 

 

About the author

Ife Grace
Ife Grace

I am a faith blogger with a passion to contribute my quota to the body of Christ. I am also the author of two books: The Reunion and Spring.

21 comments

  • Well said, God bless you so much. Personally I used to believe and always say that on no circumstance should a lady speak if her feelings first but thus article is balanced and full of wisdom. I love the various perspectives you brought to the issue and the constant reference to God for guidance.

    • Especially in this part of the country, it’s almost a taboo for a lady to take that step. But for emotions sake, there are ways to handle this. Victoria, thanks for stopping by to read this

  • Thanks Ifegrace for sharing, wisdom is profitable to direct, i have got to know overtime that there no rigid rule to this thing, thanks for sharing

  • We have to submit our emotions to the Master of emotions. Let God lead us right. Wisdom is the principal thing. Also we should maintain a constant fellowship with God who knows all things.
    God bless you ma for this piece.
    I’m blessed.

  • Should a Christian lady tell a brother how she feels about him? Hmm… The truth is, a guy can often tell when a lady (Christian or not) is interested in him.

    If they’re close, she can use your beautiful example of an opening statement to start up a conversation that clarifies the borders of their relationship (‘Hello…There is something I want to talk to you about. We are getting too close and It’s bothering me… … …’)

    If they aren’t close, well, discretion is advised. So that she doesn’t get hurt.

    I love your recommendations though, Ife. Thank you for this article. Worth sharing 👍🏽

    • Vicky, you are right. A guy should be able to tell if a girl is interested in him but there have been cases where the guy keeps leading on and later comes up to sayhe had no intention beyond friendship. To prevent stories that touch, I think it’s best to take charge of the emotions.

      Thank you for reaffirming the words from the post. Wisdom is profitable to direct.

  • This is a robust write up on subject. From the narrative I can see almost “No” to a lady first expressing her feeling to a man. If one must do this she requires to be extremely circumspect . Patience is required in handling this kind of transaction, because rejection can obviously lead to depression . I am sure this will help many Christian single sisters

    • Very true Wale. If it can be avoided, then deal with the feelings internally. If not, Patience, wisdom, should be embraced. Thank you

  • Hello sister ife just thinking could be a good idea to have WhatsApp or Facebook group on relationship where people can discuss and share their thoughts. What do you think about this?

    • Evangelist, thanks for sharing that idea. I’ve not been led to do that. Besides, there are lots of groups dealing with that subject.

  • Wow. Thanks.
    In my own case, I’d rather sort out my feelings after waiting for what seems like pointless than waste time dredging up my feelings while still keeping an open mind for if it is meant to be, it will be. But honestly, I’ve observed that in practice it is not easy. Meanwhile, the Holy Spirit’s guidance and comfort really helps.

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