HOW TO CONTROL SEXUAL URGES AS A CHRISTIAN SINGLE

A few years ago, a sister approached me with concerns about her sexuality. She wondered why even though she was deliberate about her walk with God, she still had a strong urge for sex. When I smiled and told her I had sexual desires too and that these desires were God-given and normal, she was greatly relieved. 

When you ask some Christian singles, ‘have you at any point felt like having sex?’ the look on their faces will make you wonder if you’ve just asked an abominable question. 

Yes we have the standard ‘flee sexual immorality’ command. There are lots of sexual purity campaigns, seminars on the demonic operations behind illicit sexual affairs, talk shows that tell stories on how destinies are destroyed via fornication. Many young people have become fearful of sexual intimacy yet comfortable with porn. Some are stuck in a circle of falling into sexual temptations and wondering if they can actually get out of it. Some believers will never share their struggles for fear of being looked down on, sex chats have comfortably taken the place of physical intimacy. You hear words like, Afterall, I didn’t sleep with her. Our bodies didn’t touch.’ Too many struggles have arisen out of sexual urges that seem impossible to be tamed. 

But the question still remains in the heart of many Christian singles. Can sexual urges be controlled? What happens when my body just desires physical intimacy? How do I handle my raging emotions knowing that God demands sexual purity? 

These twelve tips might help.

1.Understand that sexual desires are placed inside us by God. Our bodies came with the pleasure package and this desire to have sex as singles is normal. Imagine that nothing moves you. No desire for intimacy. The sight of that beautiful sister does not even make you feel anything or even when you are with the person you claim God wants you to marry, there is no fire or desire whatsoever. Your body is as stiff as wood.  If you are like this, who knows, maybe you have been destined to be a eunuch for righteousness sake. 

For every normal human being, I believe, our bodies responds to this intimacy because while we were formed, this ‘button’ was strategically placed to provide the sweetness that comes with companionship upon matrimony. An understanding of this helps us to look forward to marriage.

As a man thinks in his heart, so he is. When your mind is laden with sensual thoughts outside the marriage union, your body will act in response to the signals from your mind. This is where control starts from.

Your thought process.

A constant reminder of the place and purpose for which sex was designed is a game changer. For a person who says, ‘Abeg, no man can control his sexual urges before marriage!’ be sure that he’ll indulge in it as many times as possible. For you as a believer who honours and fear God, the question will be, What does God say about sexual intimacy? The answer should fill your thought life.

2. As far as sexual temptation is concerned, it is a fight we must win. I believe that sex is one of the biggest temptations Christian singles face. The devil seeks to twist our innate desire for sex for his own purpose. He does this by implanting sensual thoughts that draws us towards the flesh. There is a battle to fight. Every morning as we wake up, our minds are forced into the battle field surrounded by enemies. Thank God! We constantly win with the sword of the Spirit and prayers.

While you should not sit in guilt from indulging in sexual sins, you must also be deliberate and intentional about walking in dominion. It means, you must get back in the Word. It means you must train yourself to pull down every thoughts to the obedience of Christ. It means you must go the extra mile in meditation and setting up an accountability structure. Don’t just sit and do nothing. Faith is not passive.

3.  Understand how your emotions works. It is foolish to see that your body quickly responds to touch or you get easily emotionally attached and still allow your emotions to do as it wills. Don’t ever compare your ability to control sexual temptations with someone else.

Imagine, you see how aroused you quickly become and yet you still visit that sister every time and talk with her far into the night or you know that watching movies series, many of which now have sex scenes in strategic episodes, drives you faster into pornography and masturbation and yet you sit down with it because another believer says he is not easily affected by scenes like that. Take note of those triggers. It’ll save you from falling and rising every time.   

4. Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit is your supernatural advantage.  The Holy Spirit will teach you what to do each step of the way. Practice listening.  There were some mistakes we would have averted if only we listened. Long before you fell flat into sexual sin, you might have heard an alarm go off in your head, or hear God’s Word jump right at you. It’s possible you heard the Holy Spirit clearly say, ‘No! Don’t go there.’ but the flesh is also trying to win your attention. When you notice that you keep yielding to the flesh despite these warnings, it clearly points to the need to feed your spirit a lot more.  

5. Never have confidence in the flesh. Here’s a sister in the fellowship who just became your friend. You start to chat with her every day. Passion began to build gradually. You can sense it in your spirit that you need to withdraw but then you think, ‘She is a believer. We pray and share scriptures together. Nothing can happen.’

She visits regularly. One evening, you just finished discussing some scriptures in the bible when you both landed on the soft green rug in your living room, fondling each other like starved lions, clothes flung aside. When you finish, you wonder how that happened even though you were reading scriptures few minutes ago. I Imagine a man at the heat of passion muttering, ‘Holy Spirit, help me.’ Which Holy Spirit biko?

6. Have you ever wondered how sexual thoughts just descend on a believer’s mind at will? They can’t even respect the fact that you are reading God’s word. In church, while the Pastor is preaching, your mind can suddenly wander to a lady in your compound who came out of her flat that morning, half naked. 

You must be armed with scriptures to dispel those thoughts. Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. Spend time with the Word. The psalmist said, He has hid God’s Word in his heart so that he might not sin against the Lord.

The Word will wash out those pictures and images your mind may have picked in the course of the day. There are some images that you never go in search of.  They just pop out on your phones or as you go about our daily activities. It is as you come before the Word that your mind will be cleansed and refilled with God’s thoughts again.

7. When you feel a strong urge to have sex, distract yourself. It is not at that time you turn on a movie from the romance genre or chat into the night with that sister. Do something spiritual. Listen to a song or sermon, read a Christian literature, pray with friends, check up on your parent or sibling and just laugh and talk. Those urges don’t last long. They will disappear once there is nothing to hold on to.

8. If you are struggling with sexual temptation, whether sex itself, sex chat or pornography, one of the radical ways to handle it is to completely trust God for deliverance. 

When it happens,(I’m not saying this for it to happen) go to the Lord in repentance and immediately remind yourself on your identity in Christ. You are God’s Son. You are the righteousness of God in Christ. Nothing can separate you from God’s love.  You are seated in heavenly places in Christ and your struggle has already been dealt with. Say it again until you completely shut the mouth of the accuser.

Refrain from condemnation. It’s the devil’s strategy to keep you going in the same circle. Hold your shield of faith high and then when your head is so full of the understanding of your position in Christ, you’ll find that there is peace in your heart and a confidence to hear the Holy Spirit show you what made you slip and how to stand firm. You do not have any business listening to the devil. 

God sees your motive and knows you sincerely want to live a life pleasing to him. He understands that you deeply want to please Him. Your unflinching focus on Christ when you fall into sexual temptation proves that you trust the finished works of Christ. It shows that you are confident in the new life that you have received. You faith and not your ceaseless cries, is the victory that overcomes this corrupt world. When you lose your assurance as a son, it’ll be difficult for you to receive help. So it is either you are listening to the devil or taking a stand in your profession of faith, believing that because you are a son, you have overcome.

10. People will say all manner of things when you decide to wait for God to lead you to your spouse. They’ll make you feel you are wasting your time by staying celibate. The media will push at you reasons why you should have sex as a single. How penetration is difficult when you get to a certain age and why you need to try it out before that time. Some will even say it is by having sex that the sexual urges reduces. You will be frustrated at times because of the absence of physical intimacy. At these times, remember that the word is our compass. If the Word says we have self-control, then we trust the word. If God says, wait until marriage to enjoy sexual pleasures, no argument .. Every time, we put the Word before us. 

Each victory will make you stronger. That desire may look like, if you don’t respond right now, you will faint. Na lie abeg. It will pass.

11. The kind of friends you keep will either draw you towards sexual purity or plunge you deep into pre-marital sex.  Ask God to send you friends who are passionate about him. Friends who stand on the integrity of God’s Word.

12. Stop deceiving yourself.  Pornography or sex chats is as much a sin as the real act of sex. Don’t stand on your high horse condemning those involved in sexual immorality while you continue to indulge in pornography or sext. You are an hypocrite if you do that. You need help as much as they do. Be compassionate with those who are struggling. Even if you are not struggling with any form of sexual temptation, remember your duty in the body of Christ is to help others. No true believer desire to indulge in premarital sex, some just don’t know the way out. It is our duty as ministers of the new testament to prayerfully strengthen their faith in Christ. 

Let me say this as I conclude; 

You can’t stop birds from flying over your heads but you can stop them from building a nest on your head. Spend time in the Word and in prayers. This is how you’ll maintain sanity in a corrupt world that seeks to fan your sexual desires outside of God’s plan.

When we continually walk in the Spirit, we won’t give in to the desires of our flesh. 

What do you think will help Christian singles control their sexual desires? Would you mind sharing your thoughts in the comments below?